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DISRUPTION
.— For M., in memoriam.
​
1. Call Me by Your Name 
 
You’re the only one I can tell:
how I lay back on a hotel bed 
watching two young men at
the beginning of devotion.
 
One—wide-eyed, tender— ​
the other, Oliver— ​
brimming with the lassitude 
of the late Italian summer 
where they swim with girls 
and their disappointed hips.
 
I’d love to see the two men fuck, 
but sadly it’s not happening 
in this movie. 
 
Oliver.
 
He reminds me of him— ​
the one I told you about
 
—the way he travels through a room 
in the same insouciant manner Oliver 
uses Later as his preferred offhand mode 
of saying goodbye.
 
He moves his torso in the tone of the word,
his entire being becoming Later— ​
for them both, everyone is an afterthought,
a disruption left in their wake. Oh M.— 
 
I’d also like to stick my cock in the peach,
to know what it feels like— ​
not to have just any cock, but his 
specifically—how it feels when its buried
in the flesh of that fruit, the juices
dripping down its sides,
 
how he feels in the core
of his body when my hand 
is on it—the places he enters.
 
 
 
2.  Is it a Video?
 
Outside it is cold and windy.
There are children jumping 
in a freezing pool. The front desk 
assured me my room would be quiet,
that no one would swim when it’s so cold outside,
but all I hear is shrieking
while I stare at my cry-creased face in the mirror,
thinking how I wanted him to witness me
in this hotel room—a place so lonely 
it may not even exist—how I wanted him 
to love my body here, where I came to put 
yours in the ground. 
 
And I can’t seem to separate it all— ​
the people that hurt me—in whatever
ways they did, they flash before me now, 
all their faces in the mirror— ​
how you are part of this accretion, 
I don’t know. 
 
Back on the bed, my phone lights up with his name.
I want to tell him I’d love to watch us fuck 
but it’s not happening in this movie. I want to tell him,
you don’t want to fall in love? Fine. Let’s not.
But it’s too late for that. 
So I tell you instead.
But it’s too late for that.
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  • HOME
  • ISSUE 12
  • SUBMISSIONS
    • Submission Form
  • ABOUT
  • LITTLE BLACK BOOK
    • A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS
  • SHOP