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Excerpt from the Diary of Luis Montes-Torres, 2013
Am getting into running, at the behest of a friend who I do not have time to talk about here. | Today incredible sky. | Keep thinking every song I hear perfectly describes my life. It is a sign of a bad week. | Newscasts hard to watch. | Skateboarder on the street looked exactly like Evan. | New book is not working yet. Figuring out how to change its rhythm. | Today am having much empathy for younger versions of myself. Evan says I should try to do things that make me feel like me but, well, that’s the problem. | Today saw the best dog. It is important to be able to tell what is cute in this world. | Yesterday was less good than I thought, now that I am doing today. Which is to say, today is good, but I am doing too much thinking about yesterday. | Is invention possible? | Today believed I saw my brother in the mirror, but I do not have a brother. | Sailing coming along badly but quickly. Do not know what to write but am writing. Reading in a week in Chicago. | | | Today I am writing while on a plane. Thinner thoughts, better poems. | Cannot stop thinking about the phrase “explosive road” which I have made up today and the Berssenbrugge line “a single emotional line of one self in one time, like a wind that comes up.” | I am easily attached. | Reading was okay. Felt lonely. Turnout was good. Forgot to buy the other reader’s book but I liked her. | | | | Have been better. | Today totally grey. Read a lot. | Am considering finding a relationship with my mother again. Might be a bad idea. | Wish I played the clarinet! But happy today otherwise. | Finished Sailing today and sent it to Imelda. I must stop writing the same book over and over again. Passed this one out of me as if through a sieve. Feel unsure about it. | Could kiss Evan for hours. | Imelda seems happy with Sailing. She wants to put “Lever” on the back cover instead of blurbs, because it is very good. She knows better than me. | Imelda changed her mind and wants Martín Espada to blurb it. I asked her if it would be confusing since he is from Puerto Rico. Americans do not know much about difference. She says confusion helps sometimes. It has helped me many times. | My recurring dreams: 1) reading a book that feels magical to speak out-loud but has no meaning. 2) choking my father. 3) stuck back in high school. Had the first one of these last night. That book is amazing. | | Espada said yes. Would love to be named “sword.” | Evan bought a shirt today that makes him look like a waiter. I told him so but he says he likes it. | | | | Do not miss Virginia winters. 68 degrees today in LA. Thank god. | | Sailing coming in June. Fast. | | Today I feel like a videotape. | Am I a good writer? | Saw an air show today and enjoyed it, but now I keep imagining them crashing. Trying to turn that off. | Do frames matter that much in visual art? Lecture on frames today at the library and am still not certain. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Sorry was very busy. Will get back into the habit. | One of those days where I am totally listless but for just one moment, I see everything very clearly. | Today I imagined flight in many forms. | Wrote a poem today and I liked it. | Deleted the poem from yesterday. | When I die, I want to crackle about. | | On some streets of this city, I feel like I get hives. | I think my questions about boats are getting boring. | Evan and I spent all of today at a museum where I saw the most beautiful painting I have ever seen in my life. I don’t remember what it was called. Evan is obsessed with Rothko. | One of those days where Evan and I took up space as if it was a way of communicating with each other. | The weekend felt like a small victory. Pet a dog today. | At night, I do not believe in anyone. | | | Have a friend I am in love with, but I am in love with many, many men. Sometimes I hit myself on the head to relax. Things are complicated. | At work today I watched a couple movies. It was a slow day. Waiting for Guffman and Some Like It Hot. Sometimes, I am like a dislocated shoulder. | Today sky perfect and, for an hour, pink. | After much deliberation, I have decided music is better for other people than me. | I have little to say today. Bought yarn. | Tried making visual art today. Made me happy. | | | From my apartment, I heard someone on the street getting hurt. | Went to the beach with Evan. I explained why I say the Pacific Ocean is a hallucination of the Atlantic. He laughed and tossed sand on my nose. | Great dog today. Brown and black and playful. | Read Schuyler on the way to work. Life is impossible. | | | I brought my friend lemonade today because she is down. | The rain today was a gift. | Read today in Los Feliz with three others. Many good poets here. Terrible wine at the reading. | Slow morning from the weed last night. Breakfast of rice, eggs, adobo. | Nikki Giovanni line: “I turned myself into myself.” | Lecture on recycling plastic at the library. Thought about my toothbrush. | Tomorrow we launch Sailing in LA, then two days after in NY. Think I have figured out finally how best to read “At Rest” and “In a Bottle.” Slanted and sagging, that is the secret. | | | | | | Sales are okay. Do not feel I have much energy to market it. Imelda is doing her best. | | Hate chihuahuas. Saw three today. Saw a cute pitbull. Refreshing. | Dayana does not like the book. I can tell. | The weather predictions were exactly right. | Saw Elliot today for the first time in weeks. He made some time for him and I to be alone. I told him all I wanted was his forgiveness, though I feel I am owed much more. Sometimes, I think I am driven to an embarrassing madness by men. With Elliot, with many other men, I feel as if I become a yearning and a talent for tenderness. Tenderness, as in, being easily chewed. | | | | | | | | | | Should stop writing my name on books I own. | “Conditions of possibility,” who first said that? | The light in this apartment. A miracle on certain days! | At this point, I am so deeply rooted in Evan. Though there are days when I would like to run away, there are also days when I feel attached to any object he touches. | | Need to remember groceries and a good run today. | Richard Blanco and I had coffee today. Haha. He is very nice to look at. | Reading Euripides in bed for a better portion of the day. | I am 37 today. Wish we had pets. | Dream last night: in a field, I am standing. I apologize to someone I do not see and I begin to fly. | Some things I am thankful for today: the coffee Evan makes, 75 degrees, Spicer’s After Lorca, Evan’s recurring jokes, the Pacific Ocean, that the frisbee tossed by college kids missed my head, that my stomach has settled a bit, Fania All Stars, a nighttime drive with my friend. | Over eggs, my friend of many years said, “you forget sometimes that there are other people around you.” The opposite of the problem, I think. But I know what she means. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Every year, September’s coming surprises me. | DH Lawrence: “There is a sticky universal pitch that I refuse to touch.” | Traffic so awful today I almost got out of the car to sit on my hood. Wanted to yell the whole way home. | | With a friend today who moved 5 years ago from Venezuela. We went out to the movies. At some point I made a joke to which she responded, “that’s because you’re American.” When did I become the American? | Do I believe in ghosts? | Saw the tallest dog I have ever seen today. Amazing! | Today I felt like a very young version of me. Not a bad thing, this time. I felt like a version of me that recovers. | Impossible to compare brands of cereal on most days. | | Evan is sleeping and I am trying to learn how to play the guitar. | A child at the park today told me I was “very handsome.” | | Helped Renata build a deck chair today. Who would have thought? Me! I think it turned out alright. | Maybe I would be like this in any country. | Increasingly convinced I have very much in common with dandelions, though I know I sound like a sissy when I say that. | At a farmer’s market today with Evan and did not find cubanelle peppers. I told Evan it would be better if he just made porkchops for Renata instead. | | | Tonight, drank. | At the library I found a book of spells and thought something similar might make for a good next book. Must abandon this boats theme. | | Tonight saw Elliot, who apologized to me. It felt good to hear that. I’d been waiting for it. We sat in silence for a few minutes after. Felt like strings were pulling me towards him, though I didn’t move. I hate this familiar feeling: potential energy. | Somewhere, someone in another country is playing soccer. Somewhere, someone in another country is thinking of naming their child Luis. | | | | At the beach with Evan, I swore the ocean and him were made of the same incredible yarn. | Wish I made more money, but the library and writing is all the stress I can handle. Though I have always been depressed, the last few years have brought me a certain fragility I cannot put my finger on. Fragility not that I will hurt myself, I have never fantasized that way, too afraid of dying to do so. Fragile, as in, dedicated to a version of the world that does not hold under pressure. | | I laughed at everything Evan said tonight over dinner. We are hiking tomorrow. | | On the phone with Imelda I thanked her so much, even though the book is impressing few people. Wish I thought like her. | | This week Evan and I are watching every Stepford Wives movie. Three made for TV that we found online and two real movies. Tonight, watched the original. Katharine Ross is so very beautiful. | At lunch with my friend today, I had so much to say to her. | Writing in a café today something new. Poems about the weather, but I think they are convincing. | Had to abandon the Stepford Wives project halfway through. All terrible after the first one! | Today, there was an hour where the sky was acid yellow. I’m not sure why, and I don’t think it was good. But it was very beautiful. | Corgi on the street today. | Leaves changing, even here. | | | | When I was a teenager, I had many dreams where I got sick and my mother came to take care of me. Last night, I had a variation of the dream: my mother was sick and my father was taking care of her. I was in New York, for some reason I can’t figure out. | | | Read today with Francisco Amado Gonzalez and Hilda Inez. Why is it that even in my proper place I sometimes feel like someone’s hallucination? When I feel most abstract is when I feel most nostalgic. | Today, I sat in the park to center myself, to feel less sad. A sparrow landed near me. Sparrows rarely sit for long. This one hopped around my feet for a while. | I have good weeks, sometimes. | I bought Evan a gold bangle today, which he said he likes because it makes him look like Cleopatra. I think he looks nice as Cleopatra. | If I could, I would give up everything, drive deep into the desert and sing until I couldn’t anymore. Then, I’d soon be a cactus and a fox. | | | | | | | | | We dressed as Bert and Ernie to Evan’s friend’s party. I had a bit too much tequila. | | | | | | | | | | | Glück line: “Jack’s bent elbow made me wistful for bending elbows.” | Tried several times to end a new poem like the Hopkins poem that ends “ah! bright wings” but nothing sounded right. Exhale, with a tail. Ah! Bright wings! | Pretty nice day today. Even in this heat wave, Evan and I took some time to just walk around the neighborhood together. | | | | | | Dreamed of melted snow and serpents. | The focused look a man gives me on the street at night. Invitation or threat? Either way, in that look, the promise that I will be disassembled. | Dreamed of melted snow, serpents, tennis, baking soda, spray paint, damask, a patient in a bed. Dreamed a bay full of liquid silver. Dreamed my blood was water. Hard to focus today. | Better today. For me, the days after bad dreams have always felt like Ziploc bags. Went for a long run. | | | | | | | | | | | What right do I have to endlessly vacillate between feeling crummy and feeling in awe? | | | | | | | | | | | | | My mother’s birthday. Have decided to finally write her. I often feel that many of my problems are caused by my life-long disconnect from my mother. Evan says that is unfair. Got an address for her from a distant cousin. I plan on telling her very little about my life. | | | I rarely feel nostalgic for D.C., but I do miss the snow. To be more precise, I miss the first snow. | | | Every few days, I think Evan is a miracle. | | | Woke up and made Evan eggs. He spent a few hours of the morning calling family members. I bought myself a yo-yo, but I am not very good at it. | | | I use the water at the beach as a tuning fork. I flick it and try to set my brain to its pitch. | | Evan said to write down my New Year’s resolution, so here: in writing, scare myself; in life, find and give safety. A Letter from Sharkey to Ames
these are the best fictional names that I can convince myself are lovers and if one writes to another one might be forced to ask how long it’s been since we’ve last seen each other since the first pointed finger knowing that my gum habit annoys you all the weight we’ve lost or gained this is the problem with letters that I am so ferociously honest here knowing I won’t be in the room when you read this and can say the most divine things about your patterns the days we wasted the thoughts I am still having no matter the sound you are making I am weeping as I write this what a pair and since I always make comparisons I think that one’s love for another is like the egg in an egg cream passed with obvious finesse across the gingham table |
